Twelve Letter Word for Sabotage
by jetaimemoncheri
Summary: And it rhymes with Shmerek Shmenturi; Casey finds herself getting caught up in the arrangement to become Derek's 'protégé', until he starts to have it out for each and every guy he hooks her up with.
1. One

**Author's Note: **Hey again, guys. My other story is, well, let's face it, pretty much a bust, but I'm not going to give up on it. But, in the meantime, I've come up with a new idea for a fanfiction.

**Summary: **Derek is forced to help Casey out of her 'break-up-funk' by helping her get back into the dating game… but sabotage is in the air when Derek has it in for each and every guy she hooks up with.

**Disclaimer: **I am not, in any way, affiliated with _Life with Derek _or any of its characters.

**Twelve Letter Word for Sabotage**

_1. Say, What Now?_

--

"Derek, you need to take some action."

Derek looked up see two apprehensive pairs of eyes looking down at him. "Say _what_?"

George glanced over at Nora for approval before she gave a slight urging nod for him to continue. He leaned across the island, opposite of Derek, clasping his hands together.

He took a deep breath, "We need to ask you a favor…"

"No," came the simple reply. "No, no, no, no. You know I don't do acts of kindness of any kind, shape or form."

"Come on, Derek," Nora cut in. "It's for Casey."

He snorted, his tone sarcastic, "Yeah, I'm a goner for sure, now."

"Derek," George chided.

"Look," Derek said, resting his hands on the island as well. "_If_ I were to do some kind of favor, hypothetically, of course, it would never be for Casey."

"She's your _step-sister_, Derek," his father pleaded.

"Wow, I'm putty in your evil, little hands."

Nora frowned, "She hasn't been herself lately. Ever since that whole ordeal with Max, she… -"

She trailed off, as a morose-looking Casey entered the kitchen, clad in her button-up pajamas.

"It's probably just one of her _phases_," Derek whispered to the two concerned-looking parents. "Watch the D-Man work his magic… hey, Spacecase!"

Casey peeked over at him from her spot at the pantry, her quirked brow incentive for him to continue.

"Have you seen my headphones?" She looked at him, questioningly. "I think it got lost somewhere in that rat's nest you call hair."

He looked over at George and Nora, wink and smirk in tow, then back at Casey. He braced himself for a, "Der-ek!" or maybe even an unimpressive comeback, but instead…

She sighed, grabbing some chocolate icing and a spoon.

"Y-you, uh… hey, better watch them carbs before your waist explodes to match your thighs," he attempted lamely, and might George and Nora add, a little desperately.

Casey exhaled through her nose exhaustedly, and gave a pathetic truce-smile, before jogging back upstairs.

Derek found his jaw hit the island counter and his eyes trail back to his parents. Their expression read, "_Told you so._"

"Hey," he said, regaining composure. "This is not my problem. I'm not affiliated with Casey or her menstrual stages."

They both sighed, their eyes beseeching, "Derek."

Ah, the puppy-dog-eyes. They should know better. Who're they dealing with here?

"No dice, guys. Sorry."

George raised his eyebrows, "Alright, if you won't meet our request, how about—"

"Ah, ah, ah," Derek waggled his index finger. "A bribe is out of the question…"

"Yeah? Then, what about—"

"… as are threats," he finished for him.

George pursed his lips in defeat, "Well, we tried."

"George!" Nora swatted his shoulder. "Look, Derek. We're only asking you to this one thing. We're not asking you to sit by her bed and feed her chocolate cake while she drones on and on and on. We're not asking you to buy her tissues and listen to her name a hundred things wrong with the male specimen. We're merely asking you to do one thing, a preposition, if you will. The one thing you do best…"

Derek's eyebrows pulled together, "Y'lost me."

Nora leaned across the table, her face a mere foot in front of his so that he could clearly read her, "I mean business," expression. "Teach her."

He scoffed and George shook his head in confusion.

"Excuse me?" They called out in unison.

"You heard me. Teach her," she smirked, a side of Nora never seen before. "You're so keen on getting everyone to be aware of your 'charm', 'wit' and, dare I say, 'manliness'. So, prove it."

"Prove it?" Derek repeated in disbelief. "Let me get this straight, Nora. You want me to _teach _Casey to be _like _me?"

She nodded blithely, "For lack of better words."

He snorted, "With all due respect, Nora, you're daughter is… well, she's a keener, a grubber. She's socially-inept, a klutz, I confirm, on frequent occasions. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. How, pray tell, do you expect me to modify… _her_?"

She did not flinch, but simply exhaled through her nose, "It won't be an over-night thing, apparently. All I'm –," George nudged her, gently, "– _we're _asking is for some of your time and a heck of a lot of patience. I just know that if, and I have faith in you, it works, Casey will be 'de-funkified' in no time, with an addition of your exceptional charm and appeal. Which we both know, however, will never compare to the real thing." She smirked and raised her brow knowingly. Putty.

Derek crossed his arms and the corner of his mouth twitched.

"I take back what I said earlier. Nora, you sure know how to persuade a guy… even if it's by aiming for his ego, which I applaude."

"So, you'll do it?"

He sighed dramatically, "I suppose. But not for _her_. For _me_; if anything, I'll be perfecting and brushing up on my gifted skill… so it could be a win-win outcome."

Nora smiled, "Derek, you're the best!"

"Yeah, yeah, don't push it," he warned, getting up from his spot at the island.

George, who remained throughout the entire exchange silently with his mouth formed in an 'o'-shape, looked over at Nora with a mix of admiration and incredulity.

Derek rolled his eyes and exited the kitchen, jogging up the stairs.

"Well," George said, finally, getting up from his seat as well. "I thought we did good."

He made his way to their bedroom, Nora on his heels, while he swallowed a laugh.

"What do you mean '_we_'!?"

--

"Hey…," Casey protested, upon having Derek barge into her room and snatching the chocolate icing container and spoon out of her reach, mid-eat. She reached for it, arms outstretched.

"Ah, ah," he chastised, holding it far from her grasp. "You'll get _this _back when you manage to get out of this… this _funk _of yours."

"Funk?" She repeated, still reaching for the goo-ey dessert. "I'm fine, I swear. Just hand over the icing!"

"Casey, forget the damn chocolate!" He cried, setting in atop her dresser. "You need to snap out of it."

She pouted and attempted to give him the infamous 'cold shoulder' by picking up the creased, rumpled book in her lap and turning away.

Derek craned his neck, "He's Just Not That Into You? Casey!"

"I can't help it," she whined, tossing the book so that it landed at the foot of her bed. "I miss hi–"

"A-lalala," he plugged his ears with his fingers and cried out tonelessly, in attempt to drown out the possibility of a heart-to-heart.

"God, what died?" A confused Edwin passed by Casey's room, digging out his ear.

"Keep walking, smart-aleck, while you still have the ability to!"

Once Derek shooed him away, he turned back to Casey who was looking at him, bemused.

"Mature," she said simply.

"Yes!" He exclaimed, kneeling down by her bedside. "_This _is what we do. The bickering, the insults… not the pathetic little frowns and nonchalant walk-by's."

She didn't respond, just looked him square in the face.

"This whole façade you got going on, the whole 'I'm fine, I'm over it,' mask you put on at school," he shook his head. "It's got to come down one way or another, McDonald. You're not fooling anyone."

Casey frowned, "But I _am _fine."

He snorted, looking pointedly at the half-eaten chocolate icing, "So I see."

"Derek, honestly?" She sighed. "I just need to be alone for awhile. With Ma-… _him_ breaking up with me-"

"Casey, _you _broke up with him…"

"Beside the point," she waved away quickly, "all I need is some time to sort things out in my mind. To know where I'm going and… and why am I talking about this with you? Since when do you care if I'm caught up in my pathetic pool of depression?"

"Trust me; I'm trying desperately not to _drown _you in it."

"Charming."

"Casey, look. I don't like you, which I'm sure you know –"

"Delightful. Did you come in here just to make me sink lower?"

"– but," he narrowed his eyes at her, emphasizing the fact that he wasn't finished, "it's in my nature to feel a little - no - less than a little amount of sorry for people, including you. Plus, to be frank, you don't hide dejection very well. And, let's face it; we're family… no matter how much _I _wish otherwise." He finished under his breath.

She forced a smile. "Wow, Derek. That was _surprisingly_ heart-felt… in so many words."

"Yeah, well. Don't read too much into it, I've got my rep to uphold," he warned.

"Ay ay, Captain Venturi." Casey saluted.

"Anyway," he continued, drawing out a long, theatrical breath. "I've decided to h… he-. He-help you."

Was this some type of twisted joke? Some new way of tormenting her?

"You?" She scoffed. "You help _me_?"

"Yeah, I'm still getting over it myself."

"Thanks, Derek, but I don't need any help. I just need to be alone." She said, apologetically.

His nostrils flared and he scrambled up from the floor. "Fine. I'm _trying _here, but if you want to stay cooped up in your dismal, little world, then fine. Ex_cuse _me for caring."

She raised her eyebrows, taken aback, as he stormed out of her room. Moments passed, before the familiar stampede-shuffle of his feet was heard outside in the hallway and he reappeared, running a hand through his hair.

"You need my help, Case," he said, finally.

Casey looked down, fumbling with the corner of her royal purple duvet.

"You need my help," he repeated, lengthening each word. "No one should _enjoy _feeling like this, Princess. You keep burying yourself deeper and deeper into this bottle of emotions you keep building up. You can't just do that; you can't cork up your feelings and not expect them to erupt one way or another."

She sucked in a breath at the truth of these words… coming from _Derek_.

He could sense her bewilderment, so he added, "Which is why we need to fix you. 'De-funkify' is how Nora put it, her words, not mine."

She felt a smile tugging at the corner of her lips while glancing at him through her peripherals.

"And who a better mentor than the great, almighty Venturi?" He broadened his chest and stuck his hands on his hips for emphasis.

"So, Edwin's teaching me?" She said finally, her tone teasing.

"Watch it, Princess," he narrowed his eyes at her. "Now, before we begin, we're going to set some ground rules."

Casey raised her eyebrow, waiting.

"First off, _no _questioning my authority or methods. Everything I tell you, guaranteed, will be full-proof. You will do as I say when I say. Secondly, if the requirements are not met by the end of the allotted time, we will double them until you get the technique correct, along with the dates to go with it…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," she held up her hands. "This whole thing… you're going to 'de-funkify' me by getting me dates?"

"No, that's _your _job," he corrected. "I'm simply here to teach and guide."

"Derek," she shook her head slowly. "I don't think I'm ready to get back out there…"

"Silence!" He clapped his palms together, causing her to jump. "No questioning my method! And anyway, you're talking to the King of No-Commitment, here. Think of them as merely hook-ups, not relationships."

"Please don't tell me you're turning me into a whore."

"Casey," he said, seriously. "I'm certain that even _I _don't have the ability to do that."

She rolled her eyes, "So dates are all, then? No commitment, nothing serious?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said impatiently. "Just something to get you back up on your feet again, to get you back out there."

Casey bit her lip, indecisively.

"C'mon, Spacecase," he persuaded. "Aren't you tired of this 'goody-two-shoes' rep? Show everyone, _including _M –"

She sent him a glare, threatening to murder any form of existence within a twenty-mile radius.

"You-know-who," he finished delicately, along with an involuntary shudder, "how much a stupid guy _doesn't _mean to you. Who knows? Pretty soon, you might believe it, too."

She drew a long breath, and looked up at him, confirming that he was done.

"I guess it _could_ work," she half-shrugged, her eyes doubting. "I mean, what do I have to lose… besides my sanity."

"That's the spirit, sis."

--

"Whoa, rewind and pause. Derek Venturi wants to _help you_?"

The halls of Thompson High came to a deafeningly silent halt upon hearing this revelation.

Casey nodded, urging her friend through the awkward stares and questioning glances, "Trust me; I was just as surprised as you are."

"I mean, that's tremendously generous of him, don't get me wrong," Emily said, "but it's so… so unordinary, so _un_-Derek-like."

"Tell me about it."

"But maybe it's a good thing." She asked, rather than said. "Seeing you so miserable, so…"

"I wouldn't say _miserable_," Casey muttered defensively.

"You know what I mean," Emily gave an apologetic half-smile. "So 'not yourself'. Better? Anyway, it's great he's going to help you get back out there."

"I suppose," she sighed. "You'll come with me, though, won't you? For moral support?"

"Of _course_, silly! I wouldn't miss it. Would it be weird if I took notes?" She asked, jokingly.

Casey laughed, probably the first genuine show of any type of happy emotion in weeks, and shoved her friend playfully.

"Casey, don't take this lightly," Emily reminded, serious now. "Derek is…, he's like, the God of Attraction. He can get any girl with the snap of his finger and here he is, practically thrusting his secrets into your hands. It's like, a privilege. No, an honor."

Casey rolled her eyes, "Please, Em."

"I'm serious," she giggled. "I wouldn't be surprised if you had every guy on you within a matter of days, Derek Junior."

"Eeyuck," she scrunched up her nose in distaste. "I refuse to be Derek's protégé. All I'm doing is accepting his little act of kindness."

"Well, that 'little act of kindness' is going to get you a whole lot of eye candy," Emily said, raising her eyebrows up and down, giggling.

A heavy hand came down on Casey's shoulder and she turned suddenly, coming face to face with Derek.

"Smelly Nellie's, three-thirty, after school."

And he was gone so fast, she was half-convinced the entire thing was a figment of her imagination.

Emily looked after him, confirming that she wasn't going crazy.

"What just happened?" Casey asked.

"Sounds like your first lesson."

--

**A/N: **Sooo? Any good? Feedback is always, always, always appreciated. Hope you enjoyed :o)


	2. Two

**Author's Note: **Can I just say _thank you_ guys for your support and reviews! They were all extremely encouraging and sweet to read. I hope this next chapter is worth your time and support (o:

**Twelve Letter Word for Sabotage**

_2. Edwin's Epiphany_

--

"You brought _Emily _along?"

Casey frowned as Derek excused them both from her best friend upon entering Smelly Nellie's. "She's my moral support."

"No," he said, simply. "That's what I'm here for."

This left her, temporarily, at loss for words.

"I thought the correct term was 'dating guru'," she said finally, her tone teasing.

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever. _I'll _deal with her–," he motioned for Emily near an unseen booth, "sit." They obeyed.

"So, why am I here again?"

"Because," he said, lowering his voice. "This is your first test."

Emily and Casey glanced at each other, then at Derek, waiting for him to proceed.

"Today's objective will be simple." He folded his hands across the table, his pitch serious. "A body check, a minimum of five seconds. If the goal is not accomplished, which we discussed last night, it will double. Meaning, _two _body checks will be required, and so forth."

He paused, letting this sink in. Casey's eyebrows were raised at this… this authority (not to mention, new vocabulary) that Derek Venturi had suddenly acquired over her over-night. Emily's mouth hung open, either at this same revelation _or _simply, because of the 'Sex God' a mere foot away from her.

"I-I'm confused…," Casey said, leaning back. "Am I supposed to believe that _George _and my _mom _put you up to this? How is this even supposed to be helping me?"

"In due time, McDonald, in due time." Came the incomprehensible reply.

"O_kay_…"

"Now, you're going to follow these simple rules and these rules only," Derek's eyes seemed to glint in command. "A slight tilt of the head and two-second eye contact as your starting point. Smile… flirtatiously. A minor smirk, don't do that goofy grin you do whenever you see Cameron Fisher after basketball practice…"

Casey's face flushed and her shoulders hunched over, avoiding Emily's pointed stare.

"You're going to order a Caramel Frap while you maintain your smirk and make sure he _notices_. After you order and all that jazz, you're going to turn the direction he is in correspondence to where you're standing. If he's at your left, turn over your left shoulder, and so on. Turn _gracefully_, don't trip over yourself. While you're body is that temporary-perpendicular angle to his, give him a once-over. Starting from his chest–," he motioned with his hand at a certain area on his chest, "–down, and then back to his face. Hold his gaze for as long as you can before you have to keep moving. Don't pause, this is a one-movement action, you have to be speedy."

He drew out a long, exasperated breath.

"Once this phase is complete, you're going to walk back to the booth, while you do _not _look back. Maintain straight posture and put those legs to good use, which, being you, might be a little complicated."

She rolled her eyes, "Is that it?"

"Yes, me and Emily will time his body check and make sure you don't mess up…"

"Emily and _I_," Casey corrected.

His eyes widened, "And another thing… don't talk. At all. A body check doesn't require your smart-aleck-ness, kapeesh?"

She narrowed her eyes and nodded once, tersely.

"So…," Emily leaned on her right side until the cash register booth slash counter came into sight. "How is this shindig supposed to work? Where's the target?"

Derek held up his hand, gesturing for them to silence. A mere two seconds later, Thompson High's basketball team bustled into the small café, led by team captain, Cameron Fisher. It was most likely after practice, as all the guys were in their shorts and tanks, their hair glistening with sweat. Casey smiled goofily.

"Spacey," Derek snapped his fingers in front of her face. "Kevin Satchel is at the counter. Your first task begins _now_."

Emily scooted out so that Casey could squeeze through, wishing her a discreet, "Good luck."

Casey inhaled and exhaled, trying to get her heart to stop pounding in her chest. She could do this. It was just Kevin Satchel, after all. He wasn't nearly as popular as Cameron or Derek, but he _did _cover some of the qualities. Hazel eyes, short chocolate-brown hair, a polite smile… he was _cute_. Definitely swoon-worthy, maybe for freshman girls. She was as good as gold; at least, that's what she kept telling herself.

She got to the counter just as Kevin was finishing up, thanking the girl with the thick glasses behind the cash register.

"Next, please."

_Here goes nothing_.

Casey approached the counter, "I'll get a Caramel Frap, please." She could feel Kevin's eyes on her, so she took this as incentive to commence the plan. She tilted her head slightly to the left, the corner of her mouth up-turned, making brief eye contact. He was motionless for half a beat, and then managed his all-too-sweet smile.

After handing 'Amanda' a five-dollar bill, Casey scooted off to her left, towards Kevin, awaiting her order. They stood side by side, silent. She could feel him glancing at her through his peripherals, while she feigned interest in something outside the café.

Without thinking, she threw in a nonchalant hair flip (although she knew she'd get hell from Derek for it later), leaving the left side of her neck exposed and her hair falling like a curtain on the right side. He was staring now, his mouth slightly open, and Casey couldn't help but smile. Pulling herself together, she purposely glanced over at him and gave another little smirk and he quickly looked away, his cheeks blushing with color.

"Caramel Frap for 'Casey'," a short, stubby man called out, setting the frozen drink in front of her. She smiled, thankfully.

_Here goes nothing_.

She grabbed the drink and prepared for the moment of truce. She turned over her left shoulder… and then her eyes connected with Kevin's broad chest, too early.

_Crap_, she cursed silently. She couldn't afford to stumble now. She had no other choice but to maintain posture, look him down and then up. Brown met blue then, as their eyes linked. She forced intensity into her eyes, as much as she possibly could and smiled.

It felt like three years to complete a simple turn, when in reality, it took about three seconds. Her eyes left him, then, as she sauntered off, tightening her calves for accent. She could feel Kevin's eyes burning a hole through her back, but this didn't faze her. The next thing she saw was a flighty looking Emily and an emotionless Derek, peeking out from their corner-booth.

"Whew," she huffed, sliding in next to Emily, pounding her ice-cold drink on the table.

Derek pursed his lips and crossed his arms, blinking once. Twice. Thrice. Emily, apparently not wanting to break the news first, picked at her fingernail while gnawing on her bottom lip.

"So…?" Casey held out her hands, palms turned up. "How'd I do?"

He shrugged, grabbing her drink and taking a long, dramatic sip. She scoffed anxiously.

She scowled, "You _guys_!"

"You did…," Derek started, setting down her drink slowly, stalling. "Fine."

Casey didn't know whether to be proud or disappointed, according to his tone, which was unreadable. "Fine as in…?"

"Six seconds!" Emily blurted before she could stop herself.

Casey clapped silently, beaming, while Derek tossed his head back, groaning.

"Would it kill you to let her suffer?"

Emily shrugged apologetically and started to gush excitedly with Casey.

"He was _totally _checking you out, girl!"

"Was he really? I thought I felt it, too. What was it like?"

"The second after you did that whole, 'you're-the-only-one-for-me' intense eye thingy, he stared right after you. I think he was trying extremely hard not to go after you, sweep you up in his arms and elope to Vegas to get hitched."

"I wouldn't put it _that_ way," Derek grunted, rolling his eyes. "You were good, alright? Beginner's luck."

"Would it kill _you _to boost my ego a little?" Casey said, her smile not faltering.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He waved his hand dismissively. "It's going to take a whole lot more than a six-second body check to impress me, McDonald."

Casey rolled her eyes as he stood up, sliding out of the booth and popping the collar on his leather jacket.

"And we're talking about that added 'hair-flip' mumbo jumbo when you get home, missy," he said, pointing his finger at her.

And with that, Derek was out of Smelly Nellie's and Casey had completed task numero uno.

--

"You did great, Casey, honestly!"

"I _felt _great," Casey chattered into the receiver. "Who would've thought Derek's senseless methods might actually work?"

"Uh, _I _did," Emily laughed obviously. "But it takes a good protégé to understand the technique and be able to use it."

"I still oppose to that! I admit, I have to give Derek a little credit, but in no way am I his prodigy of any sort. It's going to take a whole lot more than a guy staring at my back to get over…–"

Casey sighed.

"Don't," Emily said suddenly. "Don't do this to yourself, hun."

"I know, I know," she ran her hand across her forehead. "But it's only been a week; of course I'm going to think about it."

"Of course," her friend repeated, consolingly. "You're just human, after all."

"Yeah," Casey nodded, mainly to herself.

"Just… don't tear yourself up over it, you know? That's what this whole treatment is all about, right? You getting back up on your feet. Isn't that what you want?"

Casey didn't say anything, so Emily continued.

"In order to make that happen, you need to let Derek in a little bit."

She snorted.

"Seriously, Case," came the response. "He's trying, here. Maybe his methods are a little silly, but hey, they work. Well, so far. You need to trust him a little bit more."

"Trusting Derek is like making a deal with the Devil," Casey said arrogantly.

"Hey, if selling your soul means giving up your Betty Crocker chocolate crave stage, wouldn't you say it's worth it?"

"Is that a serious question?"

Emily laughed, "Well, maybe it's just me, then. Just give him what he wants, despite your better judgment. Maybe it'll get you farther than you think."

"You're not just taking his side because you've been obsessing over him since junior high, are you?" Casey asked, jokingly.

"Casey! He's not on the other line, is he?"

Casey laughed, "I'm sure it wouldn't come as a shock, Em."

--

"So…"

Derek remained oblivious to Edwin's entrance, bobbing his head in sync with the headphones on his head (music blaring so loud that Edwin could even make out the precise lyrics), all the while glued to the computer screen.

Edwin scoffed repeatedly, until Derek simply lifted his eyes in acknowledgement, briefly, before returning to the screen.

"What d'you want, Ed?"

Edwin strolled over to the musty bed and did a black-flop, the springs making a squeaky jingle under the weight. He knew Derek detested this, but he figured he had nothing to lose… except for maybe, y'know, his life.

Derek tore his headphones away and set them in front of him. "What do you want and, dare I ask, since when did you become all bold and mighty?"

He shrugged, sitting up and facing his older brother.

"So, what's this with you helping _Casey_, eh?"

Derek crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you and your partner-in-crime were eavesdropping last night."

"You know Lizzie and I can't control what calls out to us," Edwin smirked, probably trying to pull it off Derek-style, but not coming even remotely close.

"Ever heard that saying, 'curiosity kills the cat'?"

"Indeed I have," he replied smugly. "But I doubt anything you're about to threaten me with would go over well with Dad."

Derek raised his eyebrows, "Alright, cut the crap Edwin. What's with your smartness all of a sudden?"

"I'm on to you, D. I see past your 'helping-hand' disguise and, if you ask me, I think the whole thing's a joke."

"Excuse me?"

"Tell me you're not just doing this whole thing because of some epic prank you're going to pull on Casey before I leak your little plan to Dad."

"I'm _not_, and even if I was, you wouldn't dare give me up."

"You'd be surprised," Edwin said. "So, then, pray tell, why are you doing it?"

"Cause I was forced into it?"

"Wrong, who're you dealing with here? Lizzie happens to know that Nora isn't much of a 'do-what-I-say-or-else' type of woman, and _I _happen to know that nothing, not even a potential trade-in with the Prince for the keys of a brand new Porsche, would ever involve you helping Casey."

"I've helped her, in so many words, before."

"By helping with a wedding, or two, or calling Dennis and explaining all the trouble his brokenhearted daughter went through for his arrival. Maybe even by convincing people to stop with that whole 'Klutzilla' craze, okay, I'll give you that. But teaching her everything you know, every move, every line in the book… that's an honor even _I_, your younger brother, next in line to inherit the charm, have yet to receive."

"What's your point?" He asked, tiredly.

"My point is that every time you've offered a hand, it was to get Casey off your back. To get her to stop asking for favors or whining to you about messing things up with her Dad or to stop having that chip on her shoulder about the stupid name-calling," he droned. "But when she broke up with Max, you had it _good_. She didn't whine, to you anyways, or ask you for advice… she didn't even attempt to bicker back at your, and don't punch me for this one, lame comments."

Derek narrowed his eyes and tightened his lips to refrain from the use of words that would make the Pope shudder.

"You didn't have Casey on your back this time. She wasn't even on your case. As far as I'm concerned, you should've been jumping for joy," Edwin concluded. "So _now_… why'd you do it?"

This left Derek speechless as he took this all in.

"Because…," he said finally, tossing some justifications around in his head. "Because… because you'll find one day, if your ego gets anywhere near as big as mine, that when the one person you hate the most doesn't focus all their attention on you, you start to lose your confidence, little by little. And if gaining it back means fraternizing with enemy, that's a risk you're going to be willing to take."

"So, you're saying you're helping Casey because you're _bored_?"

"I'm saying I'm helping Casey because I don't like her."

"O_kay_…," Edwin said slowly, eyebrows pulling together in confusion.

"Coming to good terms with the opponent proves how much you want, and deserve, to be at the top, little brother," Derek explained, or rather, tried.

"Uh huh, because _that _makes a whole lot of sense. You don't expect me to believe that that's your reason, do you?"

"Actually, I do," Derek pointed to his door. "Now that you got your explanation, you're more than welcome to leave."

"Well, I _don't_." Edwin stood up. "I'm going to find out this little scam you've got going on."

"Is that a threat, Ed?"

"No, it's a promise. And until I find out, consider yourself lucky and warned. Whatever you plan on doing to mess with Casey's head, you'd better give it up now…"

"Ooh, I'm so scared," Derek tipped his head from side to side and raised his palms. "Why are you so determined to 'save' Casey anyway?"

"Because, _un_like you, I actually have a heart. I think that screwing with Casey while she's still not over the whole Max thing is a little messed up."

"I might be uncaring and maybe a little bit of an ass, but I'm not _that _merciless."

"Sure," Edwin snorted, one hand on the doorknob. "One more thing…"

"There always is," Derek rolled his eyes.

"I knew you were always egotistical, but I always assumed you knew that the whole world didn't revolve around you…"

"Pardon?"

"…'when the person you hate most doesn't focus all their attention on you'…?" Edwin repeated, using air quotes. "I never knew Casey's attention was one of your priorities…"

Derek's eyes widened and he started to sputter, "I… that's not what I me– she's not… I didn't mean…"

Edwin's brow quirked and a knowing smirk slowly formed on his lips. "Maybe you really _do _want to 'help' Casey, even if it means spending more time with her… I'm sure you're willing to risk it for her 'attention'."

Derek narrowed his eyes, "I didn't mean it that wa–"

"Don't worry about it, bro," Edwin simpered, cutting him off. "You do what you gotta do."

"Get _out_," he ordered. "And while you're at it, get those little made-up fantasies out of your head, would you?"

"Sure thing," Edwin smiled, stifling a laugh.

Then he was gone.

And Derek was (finally) left alone to his thoughts. What he said certainly wasn't meant to be said in that way. He merely meant the endless bickering and meaningless squabbling that gave him an excuse not to do his French homework. He's never cared about the mindless robots that found any tiny fragment of interest in his step-sister and this wouldn't be any different.

He kept telling himself this until he was certain it was true… but stupid Edwin and his stupid little, _false_ assumption made it all the more difficult.

--

**A/N: **I hope this was fairly long, it felt long to write, haha. I really do hope that you enjoyed it, too. I don't think this was a good chapter, just a 'filler'. I had to fit in the whole Edwin-interrogation somewhere, sorry if he was a bit OOC. I assure you, the next chapter will have much more effort. Reviews are encouraged, as always, and so are ideas. Gracias chick-a-deez (o:


	3. Three

**Author's Note: **An immense amount of 'thank-yous' to everyone who took the time to review. It's a great thing to wake up to in the morning (o; I'm also proud to say that I spent all night watching some 'Life with Derek' episodes, catching up. So, I really hope I get them both as in-character as I can! As usual, hope you enjoy!

**Twelve Letter Word for Sabotage**

_3. For Amusement's Sake_

--

She always goes for the nice guys, he decided, that was her problem.

The quixotic, engaging type, the ones you could actually hold a serious conversation with (maybe with the exception of Max, but he played _football_, so it was logical), minus the amusing banter… the 'perfect (_insert_gag_here_) guy' if you will, which is why it's so much harder to move the hell on and get over it, 'cause he was such a "great guy" and yadda-yadda.

Well, Sam, for one thing… he's his best friend, so he, of all people, should know all about his sappy persona. He was _too _nice. He chose _girls _over _hockey _(i.e. Casey), and, dude. Who actually does that? Derek didn't even consider _that _an option and… and need he say more?

And Noel… and, again, need he say more? Because, honestly? What are the odds that a guy named after a _Christmas _theme song could kick another guy's ass? Pft, yeah… maybe in a poetry slam. If he was lucky. Dream on.

Even _Max_. Max the Pacifist. The 'let's-all-just-be-friends-put-the-knife-away' guy. And, yeah okay, he could be a douche sometimes (again… quarterback), but all in all, he treated Casey with the type of respect she only drones on and on about.

The point is that she's way too picky-choosey when it comes to relationships. That's what always got her in this type of chaos. She sets her goals too high, gets too hopeful and too into it. And that, friends, is her downfall.

If she'd been a little more like _him_, then it'd be the other way around… breaking hearts instead of getting heart-broken. But who was he kidding, really?

Casey knew only how to get wrecked and shattered into a trillion pieces.

And being the caring, out-of-the-goodness-of-the-heart step-brother that he was, he was (always) the one who picked them up and put them back together. Why?

Because he was the only one that _could_.

--

"So, I guess I'm going to have to give you kudos."

Derek didn't bother looking up from the television, "Oh?"

"Your mindless, shallow, little 'plan' worked out pretty well," Casey admitted reluctantly, plopping down on the couch next to his recliner.

"Your compliments are _endearing_, really," he feigned appreciation. "But what're you going on about?"

"Kevin Satchel called me when I got home and asked me out for Friday night," her eyes glinted proudly.

This didn't seem to throw him off in anyway (because it _didn't_), but he redirected his attention to the hockey game and responded simply, "What'd he say when you turned him down?"

Casey's eyebrows knitted together, "I didn't…"

"So, you're going to stand him up? I admit, McDonald, I gotta give you some credit…, maybe there _is _that part, deep, deep inside of you, that aches to live a little dangerously."

"What're you talking about?" She crossed her arms. "I'm not standing him up, either."

"Well, please explain, then. Are you going to call him up last minute and tell him you came down with the mumps or what? Because I _certainly _hope you don't plan on actually attending."

This time, Casey's brows shot up, "I do, actually."

"Well I _don't_," Derek declared. "So you'd best call him up and tell him you can't make it."

"Wait a minute…," she drawled, scrunching her eyes closed and shaking her head in confusion. "I don't understand. I thought this was what this whole thing was about… me getting back out there. And, unless you've got a different definition in mind, I believe that going on a date would mean doing just that."

"That's _one _of the reasons," he agreed, nodding his head once for emphasis. "But the main reason we're doing this 'thing' (use of air quotes) is to build up your character."

"My character." She repeated incredulously. "And _I'm _supposed to utilize _you _as an example of building up _character_?"

"Well, duh," his expression was palpable. "Who else?"

"Hm, maybe someone who _doesn't _take a mirror out on a date," she bickered sourly.

"It _was _the best kisser, if I do say so myself," he winked teasingly.

"Ugh," her noise wrinkled. "I rest my case. I refuse to be under the guidance of someone who finds pleasure in his own reflection… in _character _no less."

"Oh, please," Derek rolled his eyes. "You're clearly not reading into it enough."

She raised her brow, "Explain."

"By building up your character, I mean in relationship terms. Y'see," he started, popping back on his recliner and resting his folded hands on his stomach, "You are _very _problematic."

Casey's eyes narrowed.

"You're always trying to hunt down the 'perfect guy', picky this and me-no-likey that. Then, when you find one moderately close, something goes wrong and your little world spontaneously combusts. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"I never do."

Derek rolled his eyes, "You need to _relax_. You're always tense and trying so hard to keep everything perfect and together, when in reality, you're just tarnishing what you already have."

"You took my Webster's without asking!" Casey bellowed suddenly, pointing an accusing finger. Knowing Derek, he probably thought 'tarnish' was the creamy, white sauce you use for fish sticks.

"Please," he scoffed. "I borrowed your English term paper. _Any_way, you're missing the point. The reason ninety-eight percent of your relationships don't work out is because you're too into it, too involved. It's kind of creepy, so let's try to prevent that, shall we? 'Part of the fun is the chase.' Ever heard of that?"

She snorted, "Yes, from an inclusive idiot. Namely, you."

"You need my help, remember?" He reminded, disregarding her insult. "The easier you let me teach, the faster we finish. And the faster we finish, the faster I can return to my nonexistent life where Casey McDonald does not subsist."

Casey bit her lip, her turn to ignore the dimwitted jab. "Can you at least break it to Kevin? 'Lord of Lies', remember?"

"Not a _chance_."

"De-_rek_!" Her tone was skeptical, "It's your fault that he even asked in the first place!"

"My _fault_?" He repeated dubiously. "_My _fault. No, it was my consideration and tolerance with you. D'you think there'd even be the slightest chance that you'd be getting a date for Friday if it weren't for me?"

"But I _don't_ have a date," she reminded, throwing her hands up.

"Ah, but it was because of my tactics that you could've."

"Bu–"

Well, _crap_. He had a point there, she had to admit.

"Fine," she murmured and shot off the couch and up the stairs where she would (stupid Derek) make a very heart-breaking call.

She was muttering something incoherent ('stupid', 'infuriating', 'brainless', 'Derek'), but the London Knights just tore the hell out of that net and Derek couldn't care less.

--

"Andthat'swhyIcan'tmakeitFridaynight, I'mreallyreallyreallysorry!"

Casey clicked off the landline as fast as her mind and reflexes could process and tossed it on her bed, which promptly rolled off and thudded to the floor.

Canceling on Kevin was bad enough (the same day she agreed, no less), but hearing his reaction was just too unbearable. Rejection was harsh, and even more so, karma was a you-know-what. She didn't know what to expect exactly, but she knew that if she failed one of her tasks in the near future, it was solely Derek's fault.

She was none of the things Derek had accused, she decided.

Because month-a-versaries? They were entirely _customary _and not… 'creepy' or 'too involved'.

And being a teensy, tiny bit fastidious? She was just prioritizing what she wanted in a decent man (who knew the functions of the mystery that is soap), was that so _wrong_?

_Nah_.

But, hey, she'd amuse him.

--

**A/N: **It was a tad short, I apologize )x I do hope it was enjoyable though, haha. Feedback is always appreciated and encouraged!


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